Rough Draft

ily. <3
and so my heart speaks.

posted by cigarettelove @ 7:10 AM 0 Comments

So I haven't been updating for a long period of time.
Not that anyone would care, anyway.

I've been getting tiny bits of inspiration that hits me from nowhere these days, but it hasn't been a simple case of right time, right day. This post over here, it probably just serves as a checkpoint in life for me, just filling up some coveted space in this virtual world built up by a gazillion tiny pixels of technology.

The lengthy days that drift by lazily. Once in a while, the random thoughts pay a visit to a space in the human mind fresh from being hit my psychological disasters. What of the future, and what of me when the days to the end of the year run out. I wish I could smack myself, hard, to a point when I realize worrying is but the root of what I desire to pull out. Important reminder #1: Get my focus right. Maybe I gotta realise the state of academic achievements I'm capable of now. As the bubble of self-condolence once again restrains me from hitting the books, maybe I should let myself know, maybe it's time to bring myself back down to earth.

All of what I yearn for now, maybe it's not what I think I'd never possess. Maybe to realize it all starts with one thing, no matter how much I dread it, it still does come to pass. A jack of all trades and a master of none rings a bell. Dreams, could I ever chase them. And what of that particular star that I wish to live my days upon? The human mind's an interesting combination of natural abilities, to learn, to think, to discover. To confuse, to frustrate, and then to realize. The gift of sight, the naked eyes see less than the telescope that is of the heart. Could I ever see with my heart, hear, smell, or even feel? Take the senses away, take even the breath of life, but never the heart. A pumping mass of blood, appealing? No, but it is our skin that protects us from the elements of this world, from freezing, from jolting back from the depths of our slumber.

Shed that skin?

Maybe my old man up there's been wanting to tell me something for a long time. And even if my eyes get a little watery now, that long stretch of guilt trip compels me to understand that no amount of tears could ever form ladders to heaven. I'm thankful, thankful that all that I've asked for (and it's alot), they haven't been given to me. Maybe I haven't worked hard enough, maybe I lack natural talent, maybe all that's traced on the sand, they cease away like how they always do when the waves washes the dreams away.

No, you're not hearing things.
I'm thankful for unanswered prayers.

But I'm more thankful for that one single prayer that He's answered. Maybe it's just one out of a hundred, maybe a thousand, I don't know, I didn't count. But that one single prayer's been the one single thing besides my old man, that's pulling me through all that life throws at me. The rocks, they don't seem as oversized, neither do they hurt as much now. I wonder if You're smiling up there, laughing and nodding Your head as I'm typing this. But I wanna say thank You. In case your stupid, lazy, forgetful son over here forgets to spend a little time with You tonight again, You could come read this lonely blog built on spider webs and dust on Your own, you know? Hey Dad, it's the 21st century. :D

Yes, thank You. Thank you for this prayer that You've answered. I know I can't be hearing things, things, they.. just don't happen like that. But I'm grateful, for I never knew what a certain word really meant until now. Could You have already known from the very start, what I really need? Cause I won't exchange it for anything in the world, you can bet my life on that. And hey, Old Man, I'm sorry for all the wrong things I've done. Or maybe for the things I haven't done. I'll learn, I really will. I'd love to do your works, love to be that filial, good-behaved boy that every parent dreams about. But sometimes, if I fail, if I falter, give me a little time? Let me learn, let the lessons guide me into becoming a better person. Into someone that people, and her, could lean on. But even after all that, I still want to be a child. A child in Your eyes. Learning.

Seeking.

---

Can I say this again?
I'm truly thankful.

For that one angel,
Sent from above. (:

posted by cigarettelove @ 3:37 AM 0 Comments